Thursday started off like any other day. Jenny called and the kids and I met up with her and her girls at Kangaroo Zoo. The kids had a blast and it was nice to get out with them and have a little low key fun after the excitement of Alan's birthday on Tuesday and the party at Sue's house on Wednesday. I was actually really looking forward to blogging about how proud I was of Emma and Alan. They climbed all the hard to climb ladders and had no fear on the huge slides.
Anyway, that afternoon when we got home is when I first noticed that something could be wrong. Scott was still at school and I was anxious for him to get home. As the day went on I started "spotting." I was sad and scared and didn't really know what to do. I didn't have a doctor for this pregnancy yet, and all of my past pregnancies had always been basically perfect. Plus niether Scott's Mom or my Mom had ever had a miscarraige. I just kept hoping that everything would be fine. After we put the kids to bed I had Scott give me a blessing. As soon as he did I knew I was going to lose this baby, but I still managed to deny it for another few hours. By 11pm I couldn't deny it any longer and we had to go to the ER. Thanks again to Guy and then to Mom and Dad for coming over and staying with the kids. We checked into the ER a little after midnight on Friday the 13th and didn't get home until about 3:30 am. They did a ton of lame tests and spent forever doing the ultrasound. The ultrasound was the worse part, because at 7 weeks he should have been able to see something, but he just kept moving the thing around and not saying anything. I was so glad to have Scott there. Basically when we left they told us we were most likely losing the baby, but they couldn't say for sure because they couldn't get a clear enough picture of what was happening on the ultra sound. By Friday morning there was no question that I was losing this baby.
This whole experience has helped me to realize how truly blessed I am. I have felt so much comfort from my Father in Heaven. A miscarriage was always one of my worst fears and I have been surprised that I have been able to deal with everything as well as I have. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who has done so much to help and support me through all of this. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful wonderful children. I have wonderful family, friends, and ward. And I was blessed to have this happen when it did. For some reason I feel like never seeing, hearing, or feeling the baby makes the loss hurt a little bit less. Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows that from the moment you find out you are expecting you are in love with your child. You fall in love with the idea of who that little person will be and the idea of holding a new tiny perfect little person in your arms. The loss of that idea is what I feel most now, but since it happened so early and since they said it seems like it just wasn't growing, I don't feel like I lost having that perfect little person in my life. I know in my heart that there is a sweet little spirit still waiting to come to our family and that when the time is right she will. For now I have to be patient and know that my time is not the Lord's time.