Sunday, March 15, 2009

Loss

Loss is the best word for how I feel right now. When it comes to this past week I find myself at a loss of words and although I am doing as well as can be expected there are still moments where all I feel is loss.
Thursday started off like any other day. Jenny called and the kids and I met up with her and her girls at Kangaroo Zoo. The kids had a blast and it was nice to get out with them and have a little low key fun after the excitement of Alan's birthday on Tuesday and the party at Sue's house on Wednesday. I was actually really looking forward to blogging about how proud I was of Emma and Alan. They climbed all the hard to climb ladders and had no fear on the huge slides.
Anyway, that afternoon when we got home is when I first noticed that something could be wrong. Scott was still at school and I was anxious for him to get home. As the day went on I started "spotting." I was sad and scared and didn't really know what to do. I didn't have a doctor for this pregnancy yet, and all of my past pregnancies had always been basically perfect. Plus niether Scott's Mom or my Mom had ever had a miscarraige. I just kept hoping that everything would be fine. After we put the kids to bed I had Scott give me a blessing. As soon as he did I knew I was going to lose this baby, but I still managed to deny it for another few hours. By 11pm I couldn't deny it any longer and we had to go to the ER. Thanks again to Guy and then to Mom and Dad for coming over and staying with the kids. We checked into the ER a little after midnight on Friday the 13th and didn't get home until about 3:30 am. They did a ton of lame tests and spent forever doing the ultrasound. The ultrasound was the worse part, because at 7 weeks he should have been able to see something, but he just kept moving the thing around and not saying anything. I was so glad to have Scott there. Basically when we left they told us we were most likely losing the baby, but they couldn't say for sure because they couldn't get a clear enough picture of what was happening on the ultra sound. By Friday morning there was no question that I was losing this baby.

This whole experience has helped me to realize how truly blessed I am. I have felt so much comfort from my Father in Heaven. A miscarriage was always one of my worst fears and I have been surprised that I have been able to deal with everything as well as I have. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who has done so much to help and support me through all of this. I have been blessed with 3 beautiful wonderful children. I have wonderful family, friends, and ward. And I was blessed to have this happen when it did. For some reason I feel like never seeing, hearing, or feeling the baby makes the loss hurt a little bit less. Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows that from the moment you find out you are expecting you are in love with your child. You fall in love with the idea of who that little person will be and the idea of holding a new tiny perfect little person in your arms. The loss of that idea is what I feel most now, but since it happened so early and since they said it seems like it just wasn't growing, I don't feel like I lost having that perfect little person in my life. I know in my heart that there is a sweet little spirit still waiting to come to our family and that when the time is right she will. For now I have to be patient and know that my time is not the Lord's time.

13 comments:

Crystal said...

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be going through. It's something I have feared each pregnacy. Having the gospel and great family certainly will help you during this time. Luv ya and wish you the best!

Ariane said...

Thank you for sharing those feelings, its so true. My first miscarriage was hard, it's amazing how hard it is. But as far as I know you and Scott are fertile mertile's, so you'll be pregnant soon enough. Good luck!

Sue said...

I'm so sorry, Laura. I had a miscarriage between Abbie & Ellie, and remember feeling the exact same way...you expressed it perfectly. Please let me know if there's anything I can do...seriously. Love you!

Beth said...

As you know, we're so very sorry! We feel the sense of loss of a new, precious grandchild also. We're praying for all of you and are so grateful that our Heavenly Father is there to comfort you.
Love always,
Mom Hilton

Bek said...

I'm so sorry Laura!

Dean, Andrea, and Tanner said...

We're so sad and sorry about your loss!! We've been praying for you and thinking about you. If you ever want to talk we're (I'm) definitely available! I know I haven't experienced a miscarriage but sometimes it's just nice to have a listening ear! We love you guys and we're excited for when that perfect little spirit does come to your family, even if it's not the time you expected it would be!

Holly said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't know if this helps at all righ now or in the future, but I highly recommend Dr. Andrea Smith at Legacy OBGYN in American Fork, right next to the AF Hospital. She is excellent.

Kathleen said...

I'm so sorry Laura. I wish I was there to give you a big hug.

Jared and Cherie said...

Hi there Scott and Laura. Laura, I know you don't know me...I'm the wife of a friend of Scott's from college (I think!). I check in on your blog from time to time and this particular post hits very close to home for me. I have had 4 miscarriages (and thankfully one healthy little guy that we thank Heavenly Father for every day!) so I know the pain that you are going through right now. Again, I know you don't know me, but I've done a lot of research about this and have couple of good book recommendations if you need anything. Please just let me know...I'd be happy to help in any way I can. Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone you know understands :) ccmusick@msn.com. Hang in there and you will be in our prayers :)

angela said...

I'm so sorry Laura. I agree with everything you said. Although I have never experienced it, I think it must be one of the hardest things a woman might go through. Our thoughts are with your family.

Chanti said...

Laura, I love you so much. I can't express how much your blog message touched me. This news is hard to take and I wish so much to be there with you to just hug you and tell you how much we are thinking about you. God be with you all during these hard times when faith pulls you through. We love you.

The Byrd House said...

Laura, I am so sorry. I know were guys were excited. Like you said it makes you realize what you have. I had two miscarriages before Dillon. God knows when it's the right time and as much as I know we hate hearing it. God will know when you are ready again. Everytime I look at Dillon I know that God put him in my life for a specfic reason. He knew I was ready. If you need to talk I'm here... {{HUGS}}

Kelli Brewer said...

I'm sorry Laura :( At least it was early in the pregnancy, and you have 3 products of otherwise healthy pregnancies! I am sure you'll be able to have another baby when the timing is right.